I remember it well, that Wednesday on March 11th, 2020. We had just finished a week of shows on the road and were spending a day off in Colorado gearing up for four nights opening for Galactic. Then we got the call: “Go home and stay home.” All the gigs were cancelled. Everything was cancelled and the music business stopped. It’s an understatement to say that 2020 has been an extremely tough year for a lot of folks. The number of lives this pandemic has taken and ruined is devastating and heartbreaking. A big challenge that we now face as a band is knowing how to navigate into the uncertainty of the future. Having no job security is debilitating both financially and creatively. Wouldn’t it be nice if those things didn’t affect each other? Well, maybe the answer is simply compartmentalization.
My dream as a kid was to play music around the world but I left out the important detail to make a sustainable career and lifestyle out of it. I might have had better luck if I wanted to be President or a koala. My introduction to playing music was attempting to learn piano at some blurry age. When I was nine, I started playing clarinet and got hooked on music soon after. I picked up guitar in middle school and then saxophone in high school. Lucky kid… My parents, teachers, and mentors encouraged me every step of the way. I would dream about playing music around the world but I never truly set specific goals. I just wanted to play. I even thought it didn’t matter if I ever played professionally because no one could take away that passion. The truth is, I was right and you don’t even have to play to love it. That’s the beautiful thing about music; it’s communal and for everyone. Music enriches people’s lives and brings them together. It’s an outlet of endless emotion. It can even mobilize people! So what’s the common denominator of all this? Music is not about the musician, it’s about people.
We need to destigmatize talking about mental health because this pandemic has taken us all on a wild ride. This year, for the first time in my life, I’ve considered giving up my career in music and even questioned why I play music at all. I’ve certainly had enough time to dig deep into these personal and spiritual issues. As much as I miss playing music, I mainly miss people. Seeing family, hanging out with friends, funny interactions with strangers… of course, I definitely miss playing live music and am also hurting like the rest of the service industry without jobs. But this time off has made me realize that even though it’s my full-time job, at the core I play music to connect with people. Whether it’s connecting with the audience or connecting with my bandmates, it all comes back to people.
I also love music for the same reason. I could be listening to my friend’s band or Duke Ellington live in 1959 and hear a melody that comforts my human existence with a shared understanding. Or a harmony that commiserates the complexities of the universe. Or maybe it’s just a rhythm that incites a goofy dance move. Whatever does it for you, there’s a reason you feel like you know all your favorite artists. They’re showing you who they are and your support says you feel the same way too. Or perhaps you hadn’t thought of it that way but appreciate their perspective.
I wish my passion wasn’t my main source of income. It’s terrible when you expect something from it, like it owes you anything. I’ve been privileged my whole life to be able to have chosen a career pursuing music. And don’t get me wrong, I’m incredibly grateful to be where I’m at. My dreams as a kid have been lapped a few times now with successful tours playing our original music around the globe. But the pressure of paying the bills never ceases. It’s a reality that is hard to comprehend until you’re an adult.
Since everything has shut down I finally let go of my stronghold depending on music for income out of necessity. I’ve stayed fairly busy recording remotely from home and writing/arranging a lot but also have picked up some odd jobs delivering food and groceries. By relieving that full dependency on music for money, I’ve become more in tune with myself and my creative endeavors. Trying new things comes with a fearless fresh attitude when you have nothing to lose. This also gives you the chance to rediscover yourself.
I recently picked up the guitar again for the first time in years and have a newfound appreciation for the instrument and honestly harmony in general. I’ve learned so much just by wading in that water and it feels great to nurture that genuine curiosity. And I’m great at surprising myself with chords I didn’t mean to play. I’ve also spent a lot of time recording from home and teaching myself how to mix and produce tracks. Something I’ve wanted to do for a while and lately have been extra excited to make strides in. And most exciting for me is finally getting my electric clarinet project off the ground with a new release on the way! Clarinet through effects pedals with a looper in a drum and bass trio… My electric clarinet project isn’t something I have any expectations for. I certainly have goals and aspirations but the only true reason I made it is because I felt like sharing something. That has been such a fresh and freeing feeling for me.
I don’t feel the judgement or self doubt in these things when I’m not asking anything of it. It is what it is and I’m learning to accept that. By letting go, you can actually manifest more power and confidence in what you’re doing. That’s not to say you shouldn’t care about it but rather to relinquish your need from it. Until you do that, it’s actually controlling you.
I suppose the answer is to be patient in trying to make a career in music. It’s a long and winding road with ups and downs. It’s okay to let it be your hobby until you’re ready to step into it. This might be something we musicians have to relearn in the future post-pandemic world. It will take some time for the music industry to get back on its feet and probably means we’ll have an even slower re-entry to our new normal. But it’s possible we can come back from this stronger, smarter and more earnest. Especially if you are genuine with your art I believe your people will find you.
As a kid I used to think that by the time I was thirty years old I would have figured out what I’m doing with my life. Now I’m thirty and here to report that life is a never ending journey of figuring it out.